CinemaSins: Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time II
by Alex Popp
Summary: Sequels to an animated classic are bound to be sinful. This series is near and dear to us, but they still have their sins. Case in point, The Great Valley Adventure.


Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure

In 9 minutes or less

Spoilers!

(duh)

Narrator: Many eons ago...

**Ah, evolutionists have grown tired of saying "millions of years", haven't they? (ding)**

**Also, didn't we go through this at the beginning of the first movie? Your narration is no less invalid than it was then. (ding)**

**The characters all mug for the camera. (ding)**

Narrator: ...could grow and play together under the watchful eye of their loving families.

**Yeah, remember that line during this and the following sequels. (ding)**

**I'm all cool with musicals, but who decided that a musical element had to be added to these movies? I mean, not that I mind that much, but it's still inconsistent following up a non-musical with a musical. (ding)**

Grandpa: Hello, Littlefoot. Come eat your breakfast.

**Is that all you called him away from his friends for? There seems to be a lot of breakfast within his reach. (ding)**

Ozzy: No brother of mine is going to eat vegetation.

**And why not? Struthiomimus are omnivores, so it's not like Strut eating greens is damaging to your species' name. (ding)**

Grandpa: Here you go, Littlefoot. The last treestar's for you.

**We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you The Land Before Time. (ding)**

(Littlefoot grunts and strains to bend a small tree over)

**I'd say you've just about succeeded, Littlefoot. Comparing to how far over you got it to how far over your Grandpa got the bigger tree, the ratio is about the same. (ding)**

**Those miniature volcanoes are as sensitive as car alarms in big budget movies. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Not it!

Ducky: Not it!

Cera: Well, I'm not it.

Petrie: Petrie no it, either.

All: Spike's it!

**Haha. Spike is always the first one to be it. (ding)**

Ducky: We could go to the sheltering grass, and play sharptooth attack. Grrr.

(the other laugh)

**What's so funny? (ding)**

Littlefoot: My grandparents don't want me going across the sinking sand without them.

**Why not just go ask for help, then? (ding)**

**13 seconds of filler. (ding)**

**Is that really the one place where they can play "sharptooth attack"? It doesn't look like that much space, anyway. (ding)**

Ducky: I cannot swim in this.

**Then go ask for a lift! (ding)**

Petrie: Petrie fly across.

**Petrie needs to demonstrate his ability to fly for his friends who clearly saw him learn it in the first movie. (ding)**

Cera: Big deal. I could do it, too.

**Cera is still a brat. (ding)**

Petrie: Oh no. No! What can I do? I go for help.

**Cue the Scar smack. (ding)**

**Even if they did get Cera out, Spike and Littlefoot would have nowhere to go but in. (ding)**

(they all fall in)

**It's okay. Just get out like you did with the tar pit in the first movie. Seriously, how did you do that? (ding)**

**All the kids' parents are coincidentally in hearing distance. (ding)**

**Littlefoot and his friends all happen to be connected barrel of monkeys style at the moment Grandpa lifts Littlefoot out of the quicksand. (ding)**

(The kids' families look down in disappointment at their children)

**Uh...Cera tripped and fell in. That is all. (ding)**

**What are we going to do tonight, Ozzy? Same thing we do every night, Strut. Try and take some eggs. (ding)**

Ozzy: _This struthiomimus..._

**Ozzy is boss. He knows the scientific name of his species. (ding)**

(Ozzy shoves a handful of leaves in Strut's face)

Ozzy: _Great green globs couldn't possibly be sweeter_

**Ozzy shoves leaves near the place where he least wants them. (ding)**

Ozzy: _Eggs-tasy_

**Drug reference in a kids movie. (ding)**

Grandpa: The great wall protects us from sharpteeth and other dangers of the Mysterious Beyond.

**How do herbivorous dinosaurs get over that wall while carnivores can't? Does that require the human brain power that anything not carnivorous in animated movies has? (ding)**

**Music that usually indicates that the following sequence is a dream is a played at the beginning of a non-dream sequence. (ding)**

Cera: I suppose you all got the same lecture I did.

Rest: Mm hmm.

Petrie: Me too young to wander far.

**You didn't wander far. You didn't even leave the Great Valley. For once, that is. (ding)**

Cera: They don't think we can take care of ourselves.

**Well, you didn't save yourselves from the quicksand, which pretty much verifies that you can't take care of yourselves. (ding)**

Cera: We're up real high. Nobody can sneek up on us.

**You do know that Petrie's not the only flyer in the Great Valley, right? (ding)**

Cera: What could go wrong?

**Everything that goes wrong in the rest of the franchise. That's what. (ding)**

Cera: They're headed for the Mysterious Beyond.

**Why do they even call it the Mysterious Beyond? I mean, what's so mysterious about it? It's where they all came from. (ding)**

(Cera smashes through a rock as she runs up the side of the wall)

**Cera is a dick to rocks. (ding)**

Ozzy: Um...you first!

(Ozzy shoves Strut and he flies over the gap)

**Uh...no. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Ducky!

Cera: Don't worry. I got her.

Ducky: You mean, I got you. Hehehe.

**Funny. (ding)**

**Cera gets irritated from hitting the pillar, and then decides to get scared and run. (ding)**

**The egg coincidentally winds up back in the nest that it came from without a single scratch, because...plot. (ding)**

(Ducky and Petrie hang onto the ledge screaming)

**Petrie forgets that he can fly. (ding)**

Petrie: Good Cera.

**Good Cera? I've never heard of such a thing. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Ducky, it's safe!

Cera: It's here.

Ducky: The egg!

**Sure, just assume that that's the same one. Don't judge an egg before it hatches. (ding)**

Ducky: Oh yes. A caring nest. Yes, yes, yes.

**Shot holds on Ducky nodding for three whole seconds. (ding)**

**Littlefoot's grandma is totally trolling him. She was standing right there when the shot turned right. She would have seen him return and lie down. (ding)**

Strut: Those kids did it! They stole our egg! What nerve.

Ozzy: They did, did they? Well, they'll pay.

**Or you could just go get another egg. (ding)**

Cera: Well, I think I'll make the best parent.

Littlefoot: Why's that, Cera.

Cera: Because I'll let her do anything she wants.

**That's counterproductive. (ding)**

Ducky: Our baby will never hear 'no'. Oh no, no, no, no.

**Irony. (ding)**

**The villains find our heroes with the egg, but don't lunge forward right away. (ding)**

Littlefoot: I want to know about babies.

(Grandma and grandpa's jaws drop)

**Why is this so surprising? The response is "Well, it's like this, Littlefoot. They're younger versions of you and your friends." (ding)**

Grandma: Anything else you'd like to know?

Littlefoot: Um...no. That's good. Thanks.

**I would have been suspicious after that relieved "thanks". (ding)**

Petrie: Maybe sharptooth eat him.

Ducky: Poor Littlefoot.

**Don't be too sad about the death of a close friend. (ding)**

**Chomper can take care of himself around quicksand better than Cera can. (ding)**

Ozzy: It was not just an egg! It was our dinner!

**Dinner is irreplaceable! (ding)**

Ozzy: Just what I can't stand: A bossy weed whacker!

**They had weed whackers in the prehistoric times? (ding)**

Littlefoot: Chomper, this is you aunt Cera.

**Since when did Cera start bowing? (ding)**

Petrie: _You teach me to be scary_

**Petrie does a vampire impersonation. (ding)**

Littlefoot: _Take it easy/Take it slow/You're excited, don't forget he's just a baby/You don't want to frighten him_

**That was a lot of words crammed into one line, Littlefoot. (ding)**

**World's slowest falling rock. (ding)**

**The only two sharpteeth that enter the Great Valley just happen to be Chomper's parents. (ding)**

Petrie: My tummy talk too. It's saying "Feed me".

**Then eat! There's vegetation as far as the eye can see. Didn't you hear the narrator at the end of the first movie? (ding)**

Littlefoot: Cera! Ducky! Petrie! Spike!

**Littlefoot takes the time to call all four of his friends' names rather than just shouting "Guys!" (ding)**

**Volcanoes have good dramatic timing. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Come back, Chomper! It's too dangerous!

**It's too dangerous cliche. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Chomper! Come back!

(Ozzy and Strut get surprised and fall onto the edge of a cliff)

**Suddenly hearing someone yell causes you two to lose your sense of balance? The f*ck? (ding)**

**I can't tell, but either they're moving onto green land, or they're walking on air. (ding)**

(Ozzy's angry eyes, and Strut's confused eyes glow in the dark)

**We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you The Emperor's New Groove. (ding)**

(Ozzy and Strut trap Littlefoot and his friends in front of a pool of lava)

Ozzy: Leaving so soon? But you haven't had your baths.

**Woah, that's...dark. I can remove a sin for that. (reversed ding)**

Ozzy: If a sharptooth's your friend, prove it.

Strut: But Ozzy, we saw a sharptooth's shadow. That's good enough for me.

**The sharptooth wasn't with them. How does seeing the shadow confirm that he's on their side? (ding)**

**One character falls back from the pack while running away from something cliche. (ding)**

**Ozzy and Strut politely wait for Littlefoot and his friends to all move across the tree before starting to cross themselves. (ding)**

Ozzy: Me first. I'm always first.

**Except for...**

Ozzy: You first! **(ding)**

Cera: If this were a game, I'd never want to play it again.

**That's your idea of analogy? (ding)**

Grandma: Sharpteeth? In the valley?

Grandpa: We must warn the others.

(they start moving very slowly)

**We must warn them the Dr. Nefario way. (ding)**

(while running from the sharpteeth, Cera stops and lies down with her front feet over her head)

**Wow. Cera's dumb. (ding)**

**A t-rex's arms couldn't actually reach its mouth. (ding)**

(a pteranodon distracting one of the sharpteeth is blue in some shots and red in others)

**A pteranodon can be red or blue, but it certainly can't be both. Wait, what am I talking? Sure, it can. Just not in the way that they're showing it. (ding)**

(Littlefoot and Chomper pull a thin vine tight, tripping a sharptooth)

**This is the equivalent of Jerry tripping Tom with his foot. Except this isn't slapstick. (ding)**

(Cera runs her head into the back of the sharptooth's foot)

**Good work. (ding)**

Cera: Another one!

**Did Cera really forget that there were two? (ding)**

(Ducky leaps a long distance from tree to tree landing on the sharptooth's snout)

**Even Tarzan would be calling bulls*it. (ding)**

**Carnivorous dinosaurs don't leave bite marks on each other, I guess. (ding)**

Ducky's mom: Get away from our children!

**Come on, I would have removed 50 sins if Ducky's mom quoted Sigourney Weaver in Aliens right there. (ding)**

Cera: After we chased these egg-nabbers into the Mysterious Beyond...(cut)...some rocks fell and that made a big hole in...

Grandpa: So that's how the sharpteeth came through.

**I don't think Cera gave quite enough information for Grandpa to put the rest together. (ding)**

**That wood is as flexible as the egg shells in the first movie. (ding)**

**Shadow Ex Machina. (ding)**

Cera, Ducky, and Petrie: Bye Chomper.

**This is touching and all, but why did Littlefoot's friends suddenly decide to follow his lead in disobeying their parents and going to the Great Wall? (ding)**

**What kind of game requires you to run with a leaf over your face? (ding)**

**Movie Sin Tally: 86**

**Bonus Round:**

**Screams**

(One is added for every time a single character screams)

**+1**

**+1**

**+1**

**+4**

**+1**

**+1**

**+1**

**+1**

**+2**

**+1**

**+1**

**+3**

**+1**

**+3**

**+1**

**+1**

**+1**

**+4**

**+1**

**+4**

**+1**

**+4**

**+4**

**+2**

**+2**

**+1**

**+1**

**Movie Sin Tally: 135**

**Sentence: Quicksand**

Cera: My dad just jumps from rock to rock.

**(without stepping stones)**


End file.
